I am so disappointed with myself. It’s been months, I expected myself to develop and improve, however, I’ve only gotten lazier and more self-indulgent. My procrastination habits have severely gotten worse and I became extremely inefficient with regards to how I deal with my required tasks. It is extremely stressful to keep attempting to address these issues but fail miserably. My family is providing me so much, and I’m not giving back fairly. It’s been really exhausting to feel so much guilt, regret, and self-hatred. I’m seriously upset with how I have lost so much self-control, despite my efforts in improving myself.
I don’t have an objective and goal in living except pleasing the people I care about. I’ve based my self-worth on how others perceive
me. Therefore affecting majority of my motivation in life. Lately, I’ve been feeling like a burden to my family. It doesn’t help that I assume that most people just hate me or will eventually hate me. Over time, I feel like more people I care about stopped caring about me. I tried to tackle these issues before by dwelling in Stoicism. Nonetheless, it just made me feel more lonely.
I’ve been feeling really jealous and disheartened since I frequently see my peers and people I know succeed, while I relatively perform worse. I consistently have terrible scores, despite performing exceptionally well during the first few weeks of our classes. It’s even more distressing when I do my best to review a chapter but I still get awful scores in the test. This has happened too much to the point that I’m extremely ashamed of talking about my grades to my family. I’m slowly starting to doubt my abilities and achievements in life. I wonder if I became dumber, or whether I was never as good as I thought I was.
I had so many attempts to become a better person. Since grade 12, I tried to learn to be more social, less selfish, work harder, become more stoic, be less materialistic, and avoid making the internet and video games my only source of happiness. But it seems that I keep repeating the cycle no matter how hard I try. If you could even consider that I’m “trying hard”. I’ve also seen and heard countless of stories of people working significantly harder than I am. So I should not be complaining, since I’ve been really spoiled and lazy. Moreover, I’m extremely grateful for how blessed I am in terms of how much my family supports me. That’s why I don’t want to disappoint them.
Every single day, life feels more and more shallow. I’ve been staring at different electronic devices for entertainment for long periods of time, daily. Listening to different people in the internet, to trick my brain that I have more people to talk to. The overload of information and dopamine makes me want to cease thinking. Almost every night before I go to bed, I listen to music and cry to release all the stress I’ve been feeling recently. As time goes by, the times where I reminisce about the past increases.
Despite struggling, I will still continue to find ways to become a better person for the people I care about, like my family and friends. I want to talk to my friends more, but first, I need to prove to my family that their hard work isn’t in vain. So, I will give another shot in improving.