Demoralization Due to Biological Inferiority
I have a very hard time trying to not externalize the problems I cause when I constantly have tried improving and analyzing my mistakes, yet don’t see any improvements; I repeat the same mistakes despite already taking measures against it. I work harder but still miss deadlines and get failing scores. It’s worsened by the fact that comparing my points to the rest of the class just shows how much dumber I am. You could argue that it could just be a rare cases where you sometimes don’t perform as well as others, but it’s harder to believe that when I constantly fail and infrequently do well. It may just be the case that I’m naturally just dumber than everyone. Multiple instances have led me to that conclusion such as being much slower at answering and being 10x slower than everyone else when reading (a 20 minute read for someone, is a 2 hour read for me).
I’ve tried working harder so that I can reduce the workload and manage my time better; however, that has not paid me well. The extremely slow processing speed of my brain causes me to spend so much energy and time on each simple activities; consequently, giving me less energy and time on other activities. The effects have been detrimental to my academic life—low grades due to late submissions and insufficient study time on various lessons (leading to lower quiz scores).
It’s frustrating to know that the only way for me to succeed is to violate my own morals and cheat my way out of assignments or tests. I avoid cheat because I think it inhibits my growth and development, but I know that cheating is the only way for me to be very successful and stop failing. I’m obviously frustrated by the fact because that just suggests that I’m not competent enough, unlike other people. This makes me wonder, why I still try, knowing that I will never be as good as my peers
There Are No Solutions
I’ve tried meditating and although it can reduce the stress and nervousness I experience, it doesn’t make it go away, no matter the duration of the meditation or how aware I am of my thoughts. It doesn’t help that all the stress it relieves just returns after actually starting the task and finding out that you are still incapable of doing it because your not good enough.
Absurdism? Accepting failure and just evaluating on the steps I can take to be better has never relieved the pain I feel when I get stressed. Trying to see the good things in life, attempting to frame failure as an opportunity for growth, being content with my hard work and comparing it to not working at all—all of these have amount to nothing. I still feel just as guilty, remorseful, and as miserable no matter how much I try to change my perspectives on these things. Trying to intellectualize my experiences never really seem to make me happier.
I thought that if I just watch and follow guides to be better at organizing my schedule, managing my tasks, and efficiently plan out my decisions, things will improve. Unfortunately, they didn’t, and working smarter and harder has not paid off in any way.
My Value to Everyone is Restricted to My Academic and Financial Success
I am not a gifted person who can somehow provide something unique and valuable to society, allowing me to drop out of school to pursue a career using any talent or skills I have. Because I’m neither talented nor skilled, I need to be academically successful to prove my worth to society and family. This means that my academic success is strongly linked to my financial success.
My financial success is important because my parents and other family members have invested a lot of effort and financial aid for me to get a good job. Although you can argue that this reasoning does not justify the importance of my financial success because of the sunk cost fallacy, there are other reasons that require me to earn a lot of money. My parents are about to retire soon, no one will provide for them (or they will not have comfortable lives) if I’m not rich enough. In addition, who will financially support 4 of my sisters when my parents retire? Who will pay the debt of my parents? I will become a nobody if I don’t get a job after going to college.
Besides this, academic performance also have an effect on people’s perceptions on me and my family. There are many things that people could believe if I fail: I am stupid, I am lazy, and my parents are horrible for not educating/raising me well. For this reason, I feel really insecure when showing my low grades to other people, even if I feel obligated to be transparent and honest. Furthermore, being part of the honors, the top 1 in class, and the salutatorian in the past, leads people to have high expectations from me; therefore, failing might indicate that I either cheated my way to the top, or I have become an extremely lazy selfish person who only value short term pleasures in life (I can’t even imagine how my family would react when they see me fail after cancelling plans to meet with them so that I can spend more time on my assignments and quizzes). As a result, no matter my hard work, it will always be dismissed as me not working hard enough. Unfortunately, this breeds thoughts of jealousy over people who used to have lower grades than me but are now receiving higher grades in their respective courses (like my friends). I am aware that this is immature and I am being insecure, but it’s very difficult to avoid being emotional about it.
Choosing Escapism
I’ve have lost faith in myself and in life. I’ve became very pessimistic, despite trying my best for years to be more optimistic in life. I’m very lost and I’m just going with the decisions I think might yield the best outcome, which means that most of my responses to negative things is “It is what it is”. Moreover, this means that I’m not really trying to live life anymore, I’m just being alive (I apologize because I’m not sure how to express this in any other way). Whenever I feel nervous or very stressed, I play video games, watch videos, or read forums to distract me, even though I know that it will not fix or address the root of the issue. I have given up; life is just too hard. Initially I avoided behavior that engages in escapism, but it seems unavoidable.