Dissonance

Misinterpretation

I assume that I, like everyone else, is prone to misinterpreting my mind’s nature. Nevertheless, I blame myself for my ignorance when it comes to assessing the accuracy of my inferences. This ignorance, I think, is the primary reason for many of my internal challenges.

True Intentions behind Morals

Do I hate cheaters because they are dishonest or is it because I feel bitter for not enjoying the same success despite working harder. If I truly despised them for moral reasons, why won’t I report them for the greater good? Self-preservation, a selfish feature of the self, may be the true intention for all of my decisions.

I struggle to identify whether my good actions are motivated by selfish desires or principled stances. Although we could say that it’s always a mix of both, I find that statement meaningless because I am obviously focusing on the dominating intention. To illustrate, let’s say that it would not benefit my ego to do the good deed, would I still do the right thing?

Currently, I feel like I tell myself that I subscribe to Conditional Deontology; however, my actions indicate that it’s influenced by Cyrenaicism and Epicureanism.¹ I believe that the former is superior but due to my weak inner-strength I fail to act accordingly. For this reason, I think that I’m insincere—my brain lies to itself so that it can feel better.

Empathy and the Fundamental Attribution Error

I believe that I deprive others of the same consideration and patience that I give myself. As a result, I am less empathetic towards the struggles of others. I impose an unfair amount of blame towards their mistakes and reduce the praise they deserve for their accomplishments. Ironically, I do the opposite to myself: I expect greater praise and recognition for my actions, while justifying or externalizing my faults.

Inferiority and Superiority

Moments of introspection convinced me that I feel superior and inferior at the same time. It may be the case that I feel superior at one aspect but inferior on another (or vice-versa). Feelings of superiority gives rise to my overconfidence; I actively recite in class because I think my peers are stupid, I often assume the leader role because I think that everyone else is incompetent or irresponsible, and I like to argue because I believe that many of the people I talk to have shallow beliefs. On the other hand, feelings of inferiority gives rise to my asocial habits;² I tend to self-isolate because I see myself as a burden to everyone, I frequently feel out-of-place and an object of pity for others, I avoid certain actions because I think that I don’t deserve them or it is unnatural and conflicts with my image.

I like to believe that these feelings are caused by my overinflated sense of self-importance, especially because both self-pity and being self-deprecating feels so good. However, in reality, this idea hinders me from developing. Being excessively critical of myself deceives me into thinking that I am actually doing something to improve. This is not the case because I do nothing despite recognizing that issues in my head exists. Furthermore, saying that I am inherently flawed allows me to externalize everything and provide excuses on why I can’t change. In the end, I want to use my low self-esteem or high sense of self-importance as a means to not be held accountable for my laziness/irresponsibility.

Liberation and Dependence

I both like and dislike being alone and isolated. On one side of the coin, I feel free from the social expectations and need for positive responses. I won’t have to worry that my joke isn’t funny, that my thought wasn’t profound, and etc. are all gone. On the other side, I still crave the same positive responses I try to liberate myself from needing. I enjoy knowing that someone also found the joke in my head funny; I like the feeling of people reaffirming my “deep” thoughts. I can’t decide which one I like more: freedom from validation or dependence on it; hence, I keep leaving and coming back for it.

Conclusion

I have plenty of contradictions in my head because I like the best parts of two opposite things. Consequently, since conflicting things eventually can’t co-exist, dissonance arise and causes me to internally struggle.

Footnotes

1. These are self-relative hedonistic ethical theories. ↩

2. In this context, anti-social is not referring to the mental illness. I am referring to actions that prevent the growth of social skills. So I’m not using the technical/actual term, but my own definition of it. ↩